Women’s
Lib HQ
MEPHISTA:
The
show went
well, the sisters are delighted.
You
and I
should both be damed, or knighted.
Yes
knighted,
that’ll do.
I
think it has
a pretty ring, don’t you?
Sir
Faustina
and sweet Sir Mephista –
or
better
still: you’d make a lordly sister.
Our
money for
the hi-fi was spent well.
Your
genius as
a showperson through Hell
and
Heaven
spreads, and o’er the Earth,
and
I’m
the little sister gave it birth.
FAUSTINA:
It’s
true
I’ve talent for producing shows,
but
now
I’ve reached my limit. Heaven knows
what
next they
will require of me
as
exemplars of
women being free.
Enter
the Leader of the Women’s Movement
LEADER:
Faustina,
dearest sister!
Embrace
me too,
Mephista.
The
Women’s Movement is on fire.
You
grant our
each desire.
Long
may you
serve our cause
to
overthrow
men’s laws
and
raise up in
their place
pure
Woman’s holy race.
I
fervently
request
to
see more of
your best.
.
MEPHISTA:
To
help the
cause of women’s liberation
our
shows are
every one a great sensation.
Whate’er
you will, we’ll do it,
and
men alone
will rue it.
We’ll
drag ’em up on stage and there upbraid ’em.
spit
on
’em, humiliate, degrade ’em.
If
you like,
we’ll find their greatest heroes
and
bring
’em down to naught, to little zeros.
Our
rule
they’ll find shall be much worse than Nero’s.
LEADER:
Mephista,
you,
don’t understand.
Men’s
enslavement’s not what’s planned.
The
chains we
plan to break,
not
forge anew.
MEPHISTA:
I
say: Let
’em quake!
LEADER:
It
will not do.
MEPHISTA:
Oppression’s
gone on long enough!
Conciliation
and such stuff
is
out: we’re in control
and
men can
take the lesser role.
We’ll
make ’em wish they’d not been born,
And
then, one
day – oh come bright morn –
LEADER:
Enough!
Your chauvinistic hash
will
cause a
violent male backlash,
so
I’ll
not hear a word you say.
MEPHISTA:
I’m
working for the glorious day
when
women in
trousers whistle and goose
men
with their
whatnots hanging loose
in
diaphanous
skirts of tulle or lace,
with
well-permed hair and made-up face.
That’s
what I am hoping to see.
LEADER:
That’s
not the kind of world for me!
We’re
working not towards enslaving
men,
or
sexually depraving
women,
as you
seem to think.
Freedom
for
all’s the spring we drink.
Faustina,
let
me turn to you
and
tell you
what is now to do.
Find
me a man,
a paragon,
whose
virtue
we’ll feast our eyes upon:
a
man who bears
his full, fair part,
with
love for
woman in his heart.
MEPHISTA:
There’s
no such creature!
It’s
not
in their nature!
LEADER:
Some
of our
movement’s heroines
have
access to
data-bank machines.
============
Women’s
Lib HQ, later
MEPHISTA:
Back
are
we, with our doom?
What
news from
the computer room?
FAUSTINA:
This
envelope
contains the name
of
him
who’s earned eternal fame.
MEPHISTA:
Who
then is
this paragon?
FAUSTINA
opening
the envelope:
It
is …
ah me! … my husband, John!
See,
here’s his picture, here is written
all
he’s
done since I’ve been bitten
by
this
liberation folly.
MEPHISTA:
Ye
gods!
FAUSTINA:
Alas! Alas!
LEADER:
Oh
golly!
============
Faustina’s
kitchen
FAUSTINA:
Cobwebs
hanging, dark and drear,
floors
unswept,
and no-one’s here.
The
children
all have grown and gone,
but
what’s become of my dear John?
MEPHISTA:
Ah,
that’s the rub.
He’s
at
the pub,
ogling
topless
dancing girls,
drinking,
gambling, social whirls.
Forget
him
– he’s a bore!
FAUSTINA:
I’ll
ask
next door –
but,
right on
cue, here comes my friend.
Enter
Mrs Wagner
MRS
WAGNER:
I
think
I’m going round the bend!
I’ll
sit
in dear Faustina’s kitchen
until
my brain
will stop its itchin’.
Ah!
Who’s there?
FAUSTINA:
Me!
MEPHISTA:
And me.
MRS
WAGNER:
My
heart
o’er-runs with joyful glee!
Faustina,
you
have come in time
to
see my
experiment come to fruition –
ring
out, wild
bells, in merry chime –
it
must have
been your woman’s intuition.
FAUSTINA:
But
what
experiment d’you mean?
MRS
WAGNER:
Faustina,
dear,
where have you been?
Haven’t
you heard of the Wagner Effects
for
creating
children without any sex?
No
more need
women suffer travail.
We
do it now
without the male.
My
first is
here in a bottle of ink – you’ll a-
gree
she’s a beauty. She’s called
Feminincula.
MEPHISTA:
The
hour is
come! At last it’s struck!
Men
are
finished, not worth a damn:
Women
at last
have all the luck,
the
bread with
butter and with jam!
Insignificant
little men
will
be our
toys for a while and then
we’ll
toss ’em aside like a worn-out glove
and
hear no
more twaddle of lasting love.
Feminincula
in her bottle escapes from Mrs Wagner’s hands and floats up
to
the ceiling
FEMININCULA:
One
parent
alone,
one
single cell.
I’m
a
clone, just a clone.
I
might as well
lose
flesh and
bone
and
leave my
shell.
MRS
WAGNER:
No,
my daughter!
No!
No! No!
You.
didn’t oughter
g-g-go
so
precipitately out of life!
FAUSTINA:
Taste
its joys
and taste its strife.
FEMININCULA:
I’m
strictly a female female
without
any
hint of he-male
in
my
being. I’m incomplete.
MRS
WAGNER:
But
you’re so sweet!
FEMININCULA:
I
need the
manly side of human nature
if
I’m to
be a fully human creature.
Faustina,
you
alone can understand
and
sympathise
with what I’ve planned.
I’m
going
to find where men foregather
to
find in them
my missing father.
FAUSTINA:
I’m
coming too, I need to find
my
husband and
my peace of mind.
MEPHISTA:
Mephista
too
will join your quest.
(Aside)
Though
as you must by now have guessed,
this
adulation
of the male
I
find a rather
sorry tale.
But
I think
I’ll have some fun
when
I see what
they have done
out
of the
sight of their poor sweet wives,
having,
they
think, the time of their lives.
MRS
WAGNER:
I’ll
stay. My experiment is quite a failure.
I
should have
been a better jailer.
Feminincula’s
glory I’ll never see.
I
fear she
won’t come back to me.
============
The
Classical Walpurgisnacht, a pub
FAUSTINA:
What
is it that
roareth thus?
Can
it be a
motor bus?
MEPHISTA:
In
such a
sweating, scrambling scrum
you
will not
find motorem bum.
A
party from
the rugby club
is
drinking in
the local pub.
Their
songs are
neither sweet nor low,
and
rarely de
motore bo.
The
rugby club,
high-cockalorum,
with
no
thought
of motorum borum,
RUGBY
CLUB:
Hi
ho
Cathusalem,
Cathusalem,
Cathusalem,
hi
ho
Cathusalem,
the
harlot of
Jerusalem.
BRIDEGROOM:
I’m
getting married in the morning
RUGBY
CLUB:
Ding
dong, the
bells are gonna chime.
GROOM’S
FRIEND:
The
morning’s far away, it’s not yet dawning.
Drink
up,
we’ll get you there on time
RUGBY
CLUB:
Have
whisky! Have gin!
BRIDEGROOM:
My
head’s
in a spin.
RUGBY
CLUB:
Have
brandy! Have beer!
BRIDEGROOM:
I
feel rather
queer.
RUGBY
CLUB:
He’s
a queer, but getting wed.
We’ll
have to carry
him to bed!
BRIDEGROOM’S
FRIEND:
We’ve
been too slow, too long we’ve lagged.
It’s
time
the bridegroom was debagged!
RUGBY
CLUB:
Haul
him down,
you Zulu warriors!
Haul
him down,
you Zulu chiefs!
BRIDEGROOM:
I’m
feeling sadder, sicker, sorrier...
MEPHISTA:
Don’t
stop there! Off with his briefs!
RUGBY
CLUB:
Now
we’ve
got his trousers down
we’ll
take him off around the town.
paint
his
buttocks blue and green,
the
prettiest
sight that ever was seen.
BRIDEGROOM’S
FRIEND:
I
know place where topless whores
do
things
forbidden by the laws.
We’ll
take him for initiation.
MEPHISTA:
This
sounds my
sort of dissipation.
We’ll
go
too and have some fun
before
the
rising of the sun.
FAUSTINA:
I
do not think
my husband, John …
MEPHISTA:
Forget
that
squeamish paragon.
Sights
there’ll be for us to treasure
of
guilty men
caught at their pleasure.
FEMININCULA:
This
sweaty
smell extends the range
of
my new
knowledge. Men are strange
to
me.
Let’s follow their wild chase,
and
learn to
know the human race
in
both its
wisdom and its folly.
FAUSTINA:
I
do not know
…
MEPHISTA:
You’ll find it
“jolly”.
============
Strip
show
BRIDEGROOM’S
FRIEND:
Look
at that
one! Scan her tits,
and
all her
other juicy bits.
BRIDEGROOM:
From
each tit
she swings a tassel.
BRIDEGROOM’S
FRIEND:
How’d
you
like with her to wrassle?
RUGBY
CLUB:
Get
him up upon
the stage!
BRIDEGROOM:
My
bride awaits
me. She will rage
if
she finds
out what we’ve done.
BRIDEGROOM’S
FRIEND:
Forget
her! Now’s the time for fun.
STRIPPER:
What
does this
invasion mean?
You’re
interrupting my big scene.
RUGBY
CLUB:
He’s
getting married in the morning,
ding
dong the
bells are gonna chime.
MANAGER:
I’m
giving you lot just this one last warning.
I’ll
call
the cops if you’re not out in time.
FAUSTINA:
I’ve
never seen a more unpleasant crew.
They
ought to
be locked up inside the zoo.
MEPHISTA:
Then
we could
watch their maddened rages
all
on view in
public cages.
FAUSTINA:
The
manager now
is stripped to his skin.
MEPHISTA:
The
stripper
won’t let the bridegroom in.
They’re
rolling about in a frightful scrum.
FAUSTINA:
If
only the
local cops would come.
Enter
Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler
FREUD:
You
see, dear
Alfred, I was right.
The
driving
urge, both day and night,
is
nothing but
sex, and sex, and sex.
You
can see I
was right by these effects.
ADLER:
Nonsense!
It’s all a matter of power.
Every
bee and
every flower
measures
its
greatness, breadth, height, length,
by
nothing else
than by its strength
in
forcing
others to submit.
.
FREUD:
That’s
nothing but a load of …
ADLER:
It
is
nothing but
the plainest truth
that
every maid
every youth …
FREUD:
…
have
nothing on their minds but sex!
ADLER:
…
are
trying their strength for its effects!
Sex
is merely a
means to their ends
to
force
submission from their friends.
FREUD:
What
good is
power?
Your
final hour
will
strike
before you know.
You
need
seduction
for
reproduction.
In
children on
you go.
ADLER:
You’re
seeking power
beyond
your
hour.
This
you must
admit.
FREUD:
This
confusion
…
ADLER:
This
illusion
…
FREUD:
You
skunk!
ADLER:
You bugger!
FREUD:
Shit!
MEPHISTA:
These
fools are
right in front of me.
Out
of the
way! I cannot see!
The
rugger club
without their jeans
are
prancing
bare-legged, full of beans.
The
gin and
beer are flowing free.
The
stripper
has been loved by three
at
least, and
now she’s fled offstage
leaving
them
all in a towering rage.
Perhaps
they’ll turn to pleasures bent.
BRIDEGROOM’S
FRIEND:
There’s
women there.
MEPHISTA:
It’s time we went.
RUGBY
CLUB:
After
’em, lads. Ne’mind your kecks!
Catch
those
women! Let’s have sex!
============
House
FAUSTINA:
Forgive
me
bursting in thus unannounced.
I
feared I
might be beaten up or trounced,
or
suffer to my
person kicks and blows
from
hooligans
who run without their hose,
for
I’ve
been chased around the streets and houses
by
rugby
players, all without their trousers.
JOHN
(an
old man):
Faustina?
Can it be? Upon my life!
You
haven’t changed a bit, my darling wife!
FAUSTINA:
Don’t
give me that, you beast! Don’t try it on!
How
dare you
claim to be my husband John?
You
crabbed old
man! You wrinkled little worm!
Your
boldness
sets my very flesh asquirm.
You
men are all
the same. I’ll have no truck
with
you,
deceivers all. You’re out of luck.
FEMININCULA:
Faustina,
if
you cannot hear your heart,
then
listen now
to me, your better part.
Start
not, dear
Faustina, you’re my mother.
The
cell from
which I cloned came from no other.
And
this man
would have been my father, if
you
and
he’d together stayed to live.
He is
your
husband John, now bent and old,
the
way that
humans get, as I’ve been told.
You,
by some
enchantment, mother dear,
have
been
preserved from wasting, but I fear
your
time, when
it shall some, won’t be deferred
for
ever, so I
hope that you’ve not erred
too
steeply
down the slippery slopes of sin,
lest
devils,
hot from Hell, might drag you in.
But,
Father,
now I beg you tell your daughter
who
wants to
be, where life began.
JOHN:
In water.
FEMININCULA:
Well
then,
I’ll find my way back to the sea,
and
when
I’m whole again, I shall be free.
FAUSTINA:
Stop
her!
Quick! Too late!
I
hope that she
will find her fate,
but
all
that’s left of her’s a trace of ink
around
the
plughole down there in the sink.
Ah,
what will
Mrs Wagner think?
Feminincula’s
baby chuckle echoes round the room
Enter
Mephista
MEPHISTA:
Faustina,
quick! Before it is too late!
FAUSTINA:
What’s
wrong?
MEPHISTA:
We’re in a dreadful state.
The
women’s building’s now besieged by men.
The
rugby
players chased us both and then,
losing
us, made
straight for Libbers’ Lair.
The
Leader is
in tears of black despair.
They’re
all around the windows,
breaking
down
the doors.
They
haven’t yet got in though.
They’re
calling us all whores.
Not
one of
them’s in trousers.
They’re
climbing up the walls.
They
claim
they’re going to rouse us
and
drag us
from our halls.
They’re
threatening to rape us,
a
fate
that’s worse than any.
They
say we
can’t escape as
the
besiegers
are too many.
FAUSTINA:
How
can we get
in?
MEPHISTA:
I know
an
alleyway
that’s dark and low,
a
secret way,
that cannot be revealed,
for
by a cloak
of magic it’s concealed.
============
Libbers’ Lair
LEADER:
Faustina!
Dearest sister!
You’re
here too, Mephista.
Oh
help us in
our woeful plight.
We’ve
been besieged throughout the night
by
chauvinistic
rapist swine,
besotted
with
themselves and wine.
MEPHISTA:
You’d
think that lads in just their shirts
would
find the
light of morning hurts
their
pride and
makes ’em laughing stocks.
Just
look at
’em and see the shocks
we’ll
give ’em if you now agree
to
give full
powers to her and me.
LEADER:
What
e’er
you say, both now and evermore,
shall
be for
Women’s Lib our dearest lore.
Whate’er
you do, we’ll strive to emulate.
Just
save us
from this mass of seething hate!
MEPHISTA:
Stand
back, you
dogs!
You
foul-mouthed hogs!
You
lecherous
band of brawling brothers!
Put
away your
toys,
you
naughty
boys,
for
now I
summon up – your mothers!
MOTHERS:
Where’ve
you been? Out all night!
We
can’t
let you out of sight!
And
why’re you running round the street
with
nothing on
your legs and feet?
You’ll
get a cold. Well don’t blame us.
You’ll
cough and sneeze and make a fuss,
and
we will
have to bring you pills
and
care for
you throughout your ills.
Suppose
you
think it quite a dare
prancing
trouserlessly bare.
Just
wait until
we get you home,
we’ll
warm you up. No more you’ll roam
like
savages
around the town.
We
are so cross
that we’d take down
your
trousers,
if you had ’em on,
and
beat you on
your sit-upon!
RUGBY CLUB:
Please
forgive
us, Mums.
MOTHERS:
Get
home!
We’ll tan your bums!
MEPHISTA:
We’ve
seen the last of those poor fools.
Now
Women’s Lib shall take my rules,
obey
them to
the letter.
LEADER:
The
mothers
came. How did you do it?
FAUSTINA:
How
did you
cause those louts to rue it?
MEPHISTA:
From
now on
you’d better
do
as I say.
It’s
the
only way.
============
Street
outside Libbers’ Lair
Enter
Philemon
and Baucis. Philemon is old and blind.
He
walks
leaning on a stick and on his wife Baucis,
who
is equally
old.
MEPHISTA:
Look
at that
old parasite!
He
preys on his
wife both day and night.
She’s
as
old and weak as he,
yet
he leans on
her. It’s plain to see
she’d
be
better off without her load.
Sisters,
he’s come to the end of his road.
FAUSTINA:
The
sight of
this old man who clings
for
his life
to
his wife
is
one that
brings
to
me a pain I
can’t define.
The
glory’s tarnished that was mine.
MEPHISTA:
I
knew
you’d see it my way.
Sisters,
to the
highway!
Tear
him
sisters! Do not spare him!
Tear
him
sisters! Tear him! Tear him!
The
women swarm
out of Libber's Lair and tear Philemon to pieces
BAUCIS:
What?
Where? What’s going on?
I
cannot
see! Where’s Philemon?
MEPHISTA:
You’re
free of that encumbrance now.
Enjoy
life! I will tell you how.
Women’s
Lib will make your days
one
glorious
glow of golden haze.
The
evening of
your life will be …
BAUCIS:
Where’s
Philemon?
MEPHISTA:
He’s right where he
should
have
been for many years.
He’s
dead! Why do you shed these tears?
He
leaned on
you throughout his life.
BAUCIS:
And
I on
him. I was his wife.
We
always
walked together,
we
couldn’t walk alone.
We
leaned upon
each other,
and
now
I’m left alone.
If
he cannot
return, then I
must
follow
him. I too must die.
Baucis
dies.
FAUSTINA:
What
have you
done?!
MEPHISTA:
What you requested.
Of
tarnish you
have been divested!
FAUSTINA:
I
never meant
…
LEADER:
Our hands are red
with
blood!
FAUSTINA:
I never wished him dead!
MEPHISTA:
This
was your
will, this was your deed,
and
from
pretence at last I’m freed.
FAUSTINA:
Who
are you?
MEPHISTA:
My
name’s
Mephista,
as
I said, but
not your
sister.
I’m
sister to a darker power,
and
now
I’ll take you to my bower.
Come
devils and
fiends
from
Hell’s dark depth
and
carry my
friend
to
her cruel
death.
VOICE
FROM
ABOVE:
Wait!
Judgement must take place.
MEPHISTA:
You
deny us all
the human race.
But
not
her. She’s in the bag.
VOICE
FROM
ABOVE:
Burglarious
fiend, you’ll lose your swag.
The
murderous
evil that you’ve done
will
fall on
you, and you alone.
’Twas
you
encompassèd the death
of
this old
man, whose dying breath
condemns
you to
the pit of Hell.
This
woman
wished the whole world well.
MEPHISTA:
She’s
abandoned kith and kin,
wallowed
in the
depths of sin.
There’s
none will speak for her, not one.
Enter
Feminincula, now a phosphorescent glowing light.
FEMININCULA:
Yes
there is:
her husband John.
JOHN:
Faustina
was my
own dear wife,
the
soul of
goodness all her life
until
she fell
under Mephista’s
influence
and
joined the sisters.
LEADER:
Where
she long
resisted evil ways,
inspiring
us to
love with all her plays.
BOY’S
MOTHER:
She
calls it
love, I call it lust.
My
heart she
trampled in the dust.
ADLER:
Lust
or love,
it’s all the same:
the
strategy by
which you tame
the
world,
subdue it to your will.
FREUD:
Are
you still
here?
ADLER:
Yes, shout your fill.
You’ll
never prove that I am wrong
BRIDEGROOM’S
FRIEND:
Come
on lads,
another song.
RUGBY
CLUB:
There
was a
young lady of Leith
who
sat on a
pair of false teeth.
She
was down on
her uppers
then
rubbing
her cruppers –
She’d
bitten herself underneath:
MOTHERS:
You
idle
creatures, get you home.
MRS.
WAGNER:
Perhaps
a
little holiday in Rome
is
what I need,
yes somewhere warm.
MEPHISTA:
Enough!
I
summon up a storm!
Faustina’s
soul is mine
No
matter how
she whine.
FAUSTINA:
It’s
all
a dream.
FEMININCULA:
Hold on to that!
FAUSTINA:
I
shall wake up.
MEPHISTA:
That’s idle chat.
Your
soul is
mine.
FAUSTINA:
I’ll speak in prose.
I’ll
break the scansion, heaven knows,
oh
dear.
MEPHISTA:
You’re mine, all mine, my sweet!
FEMININCULA:
You
must
abandon iambic feet.
FAUSTINA:
Whereas
I
heretofore did speak in verse
I
pledge my
very soul – oh no that’s worse.
MEPHISTA:
It’s
mine, it’s mine, and evil now has won.
FEMININCULA:
Pray,
do not
count your chicks or jump the gun.
FAUSTINA:
If
I change the
metre I can break it.
Bursting
forth
from sleep I shall awake.
MEPHISTA:
Verse
is
flexible enough to take it.
Your
pretty
little soul my thirst shall slake.
FAUSTINA:
Most
horrible
fiend, away!
MEPHISTA:
I
think I shall
win the day!
FAUSTINA:
Let
me go, foul
fiend.
MEPHISTA:
It’s too late
for
it’s
time that you met your fate.
Come
to me,
pretty one, let’s descend
through
the
depths down below without end.
FAUSTINA:
Am
I flying?
Am
I falling?
It’s
appalling!
MEPHISTA:
You
are dying
What
a scream!
FAUSTINA:
It’s
a
dream.
I’ll
awake
in
my bed.
MEPHISTA:
You
are dead.
FAUSTINA:
Let
me take
full
control,
change
my role.
Dreams
must all
obey
me.
MEPHISTA:
We
shall see.
FAUSTINA:
I
can’t
fall,
I
am free.
MEPHISTA:
Bound
to me!
Come
my little
punks and bring your spades,
dig
a little
grave, you undead shades
Faustina
little
knew how true she spoke
in
calling you
the walking dead in joke.
Now
dig a
little grave. In just a minute
Faustina,
though she’s dreaming, will fall in it.
Punks
hasten to
obey her commands.
FAUSTINA:
Resist,
resist. I’ll pinch myself awake.
LEADER:
Oh
golly, what
a frightful mess to make.
FEMININCULA:
Fly,
Faustina,
fly!
FAUSTINA:
I’ll
try.
BOY'S
MOTHER:
Die,
Faustina,
die!
MRS.
WAGNER:
Oh
my!
MEPHISTA:
From
the
eternal glades
I
call the
shades
Of
those whom
you have harmed!
FEMININCULA:
Don’t
be
alarmed.
MEPHISTA:
Those
you have
left,
Those
you have
willed
should
be
bereft,
or
should be
killed.
Yes
every one
from
husband
John
to
Philemon.
FEMININCULA:
Speak,
oh speak
in her defence!
MEPHISTA:
Little
spirit,
get you hence,
or
I will break
you.
Now
I feel the
violent thrust
of
thirsting
throbbing lust
and
I shall
take you.
Mephista
lunges
towards Feminincula who flies up out of reach.
FAUSTINA:
No!
No! No! No!
No!
Feminincula
flies upwards. Mephista pursues her. Faustina falls. Her fall
ends in a violent crash. She sits up.
FAUSTINA:
No!
Leave
her!
She
is seized
and held, unaware that she is in her own bed.
FAUSTINA:
Help.
VOICE:
What’s wrong?
FAUSTINA:
John?
Is that
you?
VOICE
(JOHN):
Yes,
of course
it is. You’re all right.
FAUSTINA:
But
she’s
trying to … oh I’ve had such a peculiar dream
… I
don’t know. Oh sometimes I think maybe …
it’s
time we had another baby.
JOHN:
Nmmh.
Gradual
foreplay leads to heights of passion:
man
and woman
love in sexual fashion.
FAUSTINA:
It’s
a
girl, and I think you’ll agree
She’s
a
beauty
JOHN
(sleepily):
She’ll take after me.
Feminincula’s
baby chuckle echoes round the room.
JOHN
(sleepily):
What
was that?
FAUSTINA:
A fragment from a dream
Don’t
worry, dear.
The
newest
member of our family team,
who’ll
soon be here.
=====
END
=====
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